Thursday, March 25, 2010

Angels +.

Note: This is a very personal post, mostly meant for myself in the future.

Another Note: I usually come across as a very upbeat and positive person- I am NOT always like that.

Life is full of ups and downs. This week I experienced the ultimate low point in my life thus far. I found little joy in life. Nothing was making me happy- I was not even affected by the BEAUTIFUL weather [which is huge for me]. I have been unable to sing for a month, but I was still moved to tears by music, so I knew that was good. But really, that was it. I was so depressed- All the little things were adding up.

I called my mom Monday-  My Angel Mother soothed as best she could being so far away. I still had a difficult day. But I kept her in my thoughts. And I'm sure she was praying for me.

The week progressed, and I got worse.

I found out on Wednesday that sometimes, what we need is not what we expect. I was having a VERY difficult day {the lowest so far} and my friend JilliAnne could tell. Can I just say, that she was my Angel that day? Very honestly and truly, she was the person that I needed to talk to. She had some very good suggestions for me. She pointed out that I was doing good on the eternal path, and that it didn't matter what I was learning about, just that I was learning (and obviously that they were good things). Heavenly Father gave us agency to make decisions! And she sent me some quotes and a video based on a talk by Elder F. Enzio Busch of the 70. I bawled. Duh. ANYWAY, He states:

"I want to share with you a vehicle, an instrument, that I developed some time ago for myself and for my family. It can assist us to reach our focus as we read the suggested vision of true discipleship as a Latter-day Saint. It helps when, from time to time, we ponder and seek identification with the following thoughts:
* Embrace this day with an enthusiastic welcome, no matter how it looks. The covenant with God to which you are true enables you to become enlightened by him, and nothing is impossible for you.
* When you are physically sick, tired, or in despair, steer your thoughts away from yourself and direct them, in gratitude and love, toward God.
* In your life there have to be challenges. They will either bring you closer to God and therefore make you stronger, or they can destroy you. But you make the decision of which road you take.
* First and foremost, you are a spirit child of God. If you neglect to feed your spirit, you will reap unhappiness. Don't permit anything to detract you from this awareness.
* You cannot communicate with God unless you have first sacrificed your self-oriented natural man and have brought yourself into the lower levels of meekness, to become acceptable for the Light of Christ.
* Put all frustrations, hurt feelings, and grumblings into the perspective of your eternal hope. Light will flow into your soul.
* Pause to ponder the suffering Christ felt in the Garden of Gethsemane. In the awareness of the depth of gratitude for him, you appreciate every opportunity to show your love for him by diligently serving in his Church.
* God knows that you are not perfect. As you suffer about your imperfections, he will give you comfort and suggestions of where to improve.
* God knows better than you what you need. He always attempts to speak to you. Listen, and follow the uncomfortable suggestions that he makes to us--everything will fall into its place.
* Avoid any fear like your worst enemy, but magnify your fear about the consequences of sin.
* When you cannot love someone, look into that person's eyes long enough to find the hidden rudiments of the child of God in him.
* Never judge anyone. When you accept this, you will be freed. In the case of your own children or subordinates, where you have the responsibility to judge, help them to become their own judges.
* If someone hurts you so much that your feelings seem to choke you, forgive and you will be free again.
* Avoid at all cost any pessimistic, negative, or criticizing thoughts. If you cannot cut them out, they will do you harm. On the road toward salvation, let questions arise but never doubts. If something is wrong, God will give you clarity but never doubts.
* Avoid rush and haste and uncontrolled words. Divine light develops in places of peace and quiet. Be aware of that as you enter places of worship.
* Be not so much concerned about what you do, but do what you do with all your heart, might, and strength. In thoroughness is satisfaction.
* You want to be good and to do good. That is commendable. But the greatest achievement that can be reached in our lives is to be under the complete influence of the Holy Ghost. Then he will teach us what is really good and necessary to do.
* The pain of sacrifice lasts only one moment. It is the fear of the pain of sacrifice that makes you hesitate to do it.
* Be grateful for every opportunity to serve. It helps you more than those you serve.
* And finally, when you are compelled to give up something or when things that are dear to you are withdrawn from you, know that this is your lesson to be learned right now. But know also that, as you are learning this lesson, God wants to give you something better.
Thus, we prepare all the days of our lives, and, as we grow, death loses its sting, hell loses its power, and we look forward to that day with anticipation and joy when he will come in his glory."
This is what I needed. While talking with JilliAnne, I was able to feel Hope again. Something that I thought had escaped me...The day grew better from there.

I was able to talk to my angel sister [who I called on a whim]. She is going through the same thing on a lesser level. We were able to vent together; And come up with some solutions together.

As I was pondering all of these things this morning, I realized that I wanted to be led in every thought and action in my life. It was 'so much easier' when I didn't live with all the "Mormon kids" to be good and happy and stand out. Why couldn't I do it now? And then the thought struck me: "THAT is EXACTLY like the Children of Israel as they were being led in the wilderness. They had EVERYTHING laid out for them. And when they were given simple tasks, they failed them and pushed them aside because they were too easy." I realized that I have been Given AGENCY to make decisions! I didn't need everything laid out for me! I realized that I need to make decisions and then have them approved by God. Epiphany. Truly.

Today [Thursday] was so much better.

I woke up with an ok attitude, and I started listening to some church music. Well, the song "Angels" by Julie De Azevedo came on...and Of course I started thinking of Mom. And I cried. This Beautiful Woman has given me everything since I was born. She cares so much about me and for me. I know she loves me. I have never appreciated her as much as I do at this moment in my life. I love her so much.

I went to my favorite class: Preparation for Marriage. And learned how to deal with Problems in relationships. Then I went to work and chatted to my friend Megan, who writes these wonderfully enchanting tales which she entertains me with while we trudge along 'reading' the call numbers in the library. And then tonight, I went to Zumba at the Gym with Kelley and Nora. I had so much fun being loud and getting into the dances! After the Class we toured the gym for Nora, and about 15 minutes later we walked out. The Instructor [Allison] of the Zumba class  walked out right behind us and said "Thanks girls! I didn't get a chance to talk to you!" We said "Thanks!" Then she said "OH, and COME UP FRONT NEXT TIME!!!"  We told her that we got there late and "We had tons of Fun!" It was so fun to be kind of obnoxious and loud and drag Kelley into it. Allison definitely noticed that we were having fun, and she fed off of our energy, and we in turn fed off of hers. Hence the invitation to come up front next time. :) I loved it.

Anyway, Nothing in my life is Perfect, But I know that I will grow from these experiences that I'm having.Thank you to my angels this week. I appreciate you. 

Life goes on, and from now on, I'm going to love the life I choose to live.

{{PS: If you want to watch the video go HERE.}}


Paige said...

Thanks so much for posting this. I really enjoyed the talk and it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who has weeks that make you cry!

PS: I have no idea why I didn't see it until today but I finally saw that picture you sent about the chocolate oranges--too funny!! I lol'd! It'd be weird to text that back out of the blue since you sent it so long ago... but on here I think it's ok :)

A Piece of the Puzzel...Journey Through Life (Stacie) said...

Amber you are such a wonderful girl. I enjoyed the talk as well. Im sorry you have been havin a rough time but am glad you are gettin through it. I lvoe you w/ all of my heart and wish for the absolute best for you. Your mom is an amazin woman. Life is hard but w/ a positive attiude no matter how hard it is we will make it through and be so thankful for the hard times. I know that its easier said then done but its possible. Hang in there pal you can do it. I lvoe you and miss you so much :D

Laurie said...

My Dear Sweet Amazing Amber,
I love you so much and marvel at your spirit which is so wise for your years! I am so grateful for our relationship and for your wonderful friends that help you along! I know, as you do, that though life has been tough on you lately, Heavenly Father is mindful of you and will continue to guide you! Love you so very much, Mom

Dina said...


Sometimes we have to walk in the dark for awhile before the light at the end of the tunnel is visible.

And sometimes, we have to make a choice *before* a confirmation of its rightness comes.

And it's hard. Mega hard. can do it. Hugs & love.